Another Christmas without Shane

As Christmas comes and goes, I realize that it never gets easier. I missed Shane more than ever this year. I hung stocking for the first time last year and to remember Shane I wrote him a letter and stuck it into his stocking. I did it again this year. It seams as though it is the only moment I have just with him. Although I am surrounded by family, the holidays I feel so alone. No one mentions him much and all I can do is think about all he brought to Christmas and how much I miss him. I missed candlelighting ( I go to New Hope Church every year to light a candle in memory of Shane, Roses in December) this year too. We celebrated Christmas with my family that day, but the time everyone had left it was about 10 til 6, candlelighting was at 6. I really contiplated going to it, but knew I would be going alone. I have gone alone before, but this year, I just didn't have it in me to go alone. I decorated Shane's grave with candy canes and candies with a tree and a wreath. I know he loved it. I reflected on my stepsister, who just lost her son this August and how painful this xmas will be for her.
I have to say, I am glad another holiday season is over.

I Would Have Filled My Home With Children

As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.

I Believe.

Every now and then,
Soft as breath upon my skin,
I feel you come back again, And it's like you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side, Like the tears were never cried,
Like the hands of time
Are holding you... and me. And with all my heart I'm sure. We're closer than we ever were. I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need.
There are more than angels watching... over me. I believe... Oh, I believe
That when you die your life goes on. It doesn't end here when you're gone. Every soul is filled with light. It never ends ..and if I'm right. Our love can even reach.. across.. eternity..!
I believe... Ooh, I believe. Forever, you're a part of me. Forever, in the heart of me.
I will hold you even longer, if I can...! Oh, the people who don't see the most.
See that I believe in ghosts. If that makes me crazy, Then I am... 'cause I believe!
Oh, I believe...! There are more than angels watching.. over me!
I believe Oh, I believe...Every now and then. Soft as breath upon my skin.
I feel you come back again.........and I believe.

Every Day

I read my niece, Sasha's Blog tonight and her story touched me so much! Please read it below

On the way to school yesterday morning, the song "Everyday" by Rascal Flatts came on the radio, and I thought of my mom and aunt Dana. I always think of them when I hear that song. I think about how my aunt has pulled through so much in the last decade (and her entire life), and how strong she is. I think about my mom and aunt's relationship. They always stand beside each other, through young and old, thick and thin...every phase of life, every day, they have saved each other.I can only hope that you have a 'someone' like that, someone who saves your life every day.The song also made me think of a dream I had just two nights ago. I was with my aunt Dana in a room with only one window. I could not see out of the window because she had tacked so many pictures of Shane all over it. She was completely estatic, the happiest I have ever, ever seen her. She kept talking about how she was going to see her Shane soon, and she could not compose herself, she was so excited. Shane was coming to get her anytime, and I told her I didn't want her to go, but she was so happy that I let her.The thought of who will be there when we leave this world makes death seem so much less frightening. I know Shane will be waiting behind the white picket fence of heaven, smiling at her, just as anxious to see his mommy again.

Everything Happens For a Reason?

I have heard this comment on a regular basis, so I feel I need to disect this quote/comment. Why do people believe that everything happens for a reason? When I think about this "quote" I wonder do they really believe it? If you think about it and break it down, you would have to believe that there is a reason for a hurricane that kills 1,000's of people, did they all deserve to die? Are the survivors of it better because of it? How about that the little girl who was abducted raped an left for dead. Do you really think their family sleeps at night, or that there was a good reason for the way they lost their baby. Or how about the man walking into his workplace, killing all of his coworkers. Does that seem reasonable. I cannot see any of this happening for a reason. Can we be open to the thought that maybe bad things just happen. Jesus died for our sins. OUR SINS! I do believe that God knows when and how each of us will die on this earth. But to believe that he choses the way one dies and choses it for a reason? Our Father who loves us, chose to have people die in such brutal ways? Think about it.
Say you have a person in the hospital who just escaped death. She praises God and believes he left her here because he loves her and was watching over her. In the same hospital a mother dies and leaves her young son. Is she not worthy is gods eyes? What about the small child. Is he not worthy? Because of his mothers loss, will he grow up to do great things in his mothers memory, so that we can say "he does great things because he lost his mother" hensing "Everything happens for a reason"? But what if instead this child turns to a life of drugs and crime. Would we then say "Everything happens for a reason"......This quote is openended. I could go on and on.
If I lost my sweet baby Shane for a reason I am sure waiting to find out what it is. I have not seen alot of positive come out of the loss of a child. I have seen divorce and I have seen suicide. There is nothing I will ever do in my life that would ever change the world as it would have been changed with my Shane in it. I will never be completely be happy again. I will always feel lost and empty without him. So a reason he's gone, well I can't consive it. So does that mean god does not love me?
I leave you with just one thought. Could it be possible that we just live in a sinful world. A world where bad things just happen. God knows they will happen and choses not to stop them, but not for a "reason", I believe he lets life proceed as he left it. A life of sin, bad, good, suffering and unfortunately death. If he did stop all bad things, then why die on the cross, why die for our sins?
So, I believe that the day my sons were in an accident that God knew it was going to happen. Did he stop it? No. But did it "Happen for a Reason"? That is up to you to decide, but for me I would like to believe, God did not make it happen. There was absolutely no reason in the world why Shane had to die, but mostly I would like to believe that God cried with me the day I lost my Shane.
I hope that before you use this quote again that you think about it and be sure you believe it before you say it.

I also recommend the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People"

Finding Forgiveness

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, He spoke these words found in Luke 23:34 – “Father, forgive these people, because they don’t know what they are doing.”
They knew they were nailing Jesus to the cross of crucifixion, but they did not understand “what” they were doing. If they had known that this was indeed the Son of God, they may have had second thoughts. .
I struggle daily with forgiveness, Forgiveness of the people who wronged me in my past. When I lost Shane not only was I angry at God, but I became more angry at the ones who had hurt me. I only hope that I can someday follow Jesus' example and pray for them. For now I still hang on to the hurt inside. I expect more from the ones I love as they should completely understand my loss and the hurt that surrounds it. Some move forward with disregard to my pain. The pain of my family. (Forgive them they know not what they do) I feel the unforgiveness in my heart. How can God forgive me when I cannot forgive others? How can I forgive, when I feel they are not worthy? I am only hurting myself, for they don't even know that I hurt. I feel like the pain is eating at me like a cancer. How do I let it go and the continual disregard for my and my familys loss? I can only pray for peace and forgiveness in my heart. I can only pray that the pain I suffer will subside. That I can forgive and let it go as God did. I pray tonight to give me patience and to lighten my anger and frustration. To help me find forgiveness in my heart.

A Pumpkin Tradition

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my son Dustin and his finance' Krystal. A few days ago Dustin asked me how I felt about carving pumpkins. He did it with some hesitation, knowing we had not carved pumpkins since Shane died. I said sure without hesitation. I guess I wanted to be involved in anything I can in Dustin and Krystals life, even if it is hard. When they showed up with the pumpkins, I entered the room to find Krysal with flowers. She said they are for you, we are going to make a pumpkin vase (centerpiece). I was so touched by that and was eager to see what we came up with as a centerpiece. As we carved pumpkins and a centerpiece, Shane never left my mind. As I dug into the slimy pumpkin, I could see Shane's face as he hated to stick his hand inside the pumpkin. I still found myself having a good time and we made a beautiful centerpiece.
Tonight I realized that Krystal will add a new part to our family and with that new experiences, new memories and new traditions. We will not forget Shane, but somehow it felt like we weren't carving pumpkins without him, but we were experiencing a new way of carving pumpkins with a new family member. I am so grateful that Dustin and Krystal included me today. I feel like I have jumped another hurtle. I look forward to the life I will share with Dustin and Krystal. I love them so very much.

Asking Why?

When Shane died, I didn't work for a year. I thought, how could I ever go back to work in my beauty shop. Talking one on one with people was the last thing I wanted to do. Over the years, I believe going back into the beauty shop was what I was suppose to do. I encounter so many people who have touched my life and I hope I have impacted them too even if only in a little way. Today my client, who is truely a genuine spirit, who has been trying to have a baby. She has spent thousands of dollars leading to one dissapointment after another. She shared her months of frustration, dissapointment and her despirate desire to have a baby. She has sores all over her body, her stomach, she reluctantly showed me. Full of bruises where she has to inject herself daily. I have been the lucky one, to be pregnant without even trying, but only to have lost 14 years later. But her, wanting a baby so very badly, and not being able to concieve. It only leaves the lifelong question of why? Why do some people get blessed with a child, only to have to say goodbye to them a few years later. Why do some people want a baby so badly that is consumes them so deeply. I realized each pain in each life although different can cause great confusion. Asking why? Why do some love and loss and some just patiently await to love with all the hope in their heart? I believe this is the last attempt for my client to concieve, so tonight, I pray to you, god to give her what she longs for. To give her what she so desires. Please lord, give her this baby. I don't know of any woman who longs to be a mother more. Please bless her and never leave her during this time.

An Unknown Prayer

Today I went to Staples, where my son Dustin works, I bought a few things and he helped me carry them to the car. On the back 2 windows of my van are decals in rememberance of Shane. As Dustin helped me load the van, I noticed a woman looking at me from her truck, but knew I didn't know her. As Dustin walked back towards Staples, she waved at me to come over, so I did. She said she had noticed the decals on my back windows and wanted to know if my son was the one in the accident on 47S. I told her he was. She proceeded to tell me that she lives on 47S and passes the intersection where I placed a cross and flowers in his memory. As she passes there every day she says a prayer for me and for our family. I almost went somewhere else today, but had a sudden change of heart. My course took me to a women, who has been praying for our family and with that I feel touched and was glad our paths crossed today.

A Shared Loss

Today started with a new client. As with all new clients, there is always the talk of children. How many kids do you have. Seems to be the most common question. I then have to decide how to handle this question. Do I talk about it, or do I not. She wanted to know if I had kids in school. I proceeded to tell her, oh no my son is almost 24. Not meaning to leave Shane out, but not sure if I wanted to go there. As our conversation continued, I decided to tell her I had another son who had passed. Sometimes the response is an uncomfortable feeling, as if you almost wish you hadn't mentioned it. And other times they just continue to talk as if they didn't hear you at all and then you feel even worse. Today I shared my story with her as I held her precious 9 month old daughter in my arms. Her eyes immediately filled with tears. I felt so bad for telling her about losing Shane it was obvious it hit her in a different way than most. I said, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. As she stood there with tears filling her eyes, she shared the loss of her unborn baby just 18 months earlier. This complete stranger stands in front of me, but I felt closer than ever to her as we endured a very deep loss. I had my son 14 years, but she never got to know her sweet baby at all. It was a blessed moment between us as we shared our broken hearts.

A Prayer for You!

Please pray for me:
Lord even though I face a busy day (or just have lived through one). Even though I find myself running from this to that, from here to there, I still want to crawl into the shelter of your arms. Even though my life moves in a blur, I want to still myself in your strength. I want to rest in your protection and tender care, even when I feel like I'm arm wrestling alligators, I take refuse in you Jesus. This day, and all days.

Emmaus Gathering 2007
As I still struggle with remembering god is there. Try to remember god is there to catch you when you fall. Try to lean on him during times of struggle. He has showed me he has my son, Shane.

I Reflect

Today I reflect on the recent loss of my step nephew. Although I can say I knew him on a personal level his loss has touched a cord. Remembering that raw pain the first few weeks. As I spoke with his mother, my stepsister, over the phone she reminded me of the things that people say that hit you in a deep and saddened way. It remined me of a poem on the angelmoms.com sight and I thought it was worth repeating.

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken will heal, Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place, Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me, That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories, You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name, Because it is something I long to hear,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, your friendship will be my treasure

Thanks to Angel Moms.

Today is a challenge.

As I approach today, my Shane, enters my mind as every day. My stepsister has losed her son and all of the emotions of his death keeps mine fresh in my mind. The question of hope no longer enters my mind as it once did. Now I learn to live with just the memory of him. Every little thing that reminds me of the life we once had. The small scent that flys across the room. A Beautiful Butterfly that huffers me. The feeling he is close only to look an he is not there. I know we who have lost a child has to grasp on to everything that reminds us of them.