As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.
2 years ago