Music of my Heart!

Shane died at the age of 14. When I dream of him he often comes to me at this age. The age where I would hold and cuddle him as a baby.

You can visit Shane at

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Would Have Filled My Home With Children

As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.


sasha naomi said...

I know that I am not, and can never be, quite the same as Dustin and Shane, but I want to let you know that I want to be the daughter you never had. You are a second mom to me, and if God did not want my own mom to mother me, I would choose you.

I love you!

P.S. Pull through the next few months/years, and you will have grandbabies to give all your love!

Bridget said...

First, I want to say your last blog was quite beautiful, sad, but beautiful. Although many mothers with empty nest may feel the way you do. You have a 14 year old shadow in your home which has to make it a loneliness most will never know. I know this is not the same but you were a mother to me. I know it wasn't your job...but you did it anyway. You helped me when I needed to know about life. You were and still are an example of strength when life gets you down. You taught me things a mother should have, you hugged me when I needed hugged and you gave me a safe place to alway go. So yes you were and are a good mother...but also to me. I thank God for you. I love you! Sis

Listen to In Memory of Shane

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones
To all who mourn…he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory. …I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.” Isaiah 61:1-2a, 3 & 62:1b NLT
“…that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever. The people who walk in darkness will see a great light… For God will break the chains that bind his people…” Isaiah 9:1a, 2a, 4a NLT