My Shooting Star

The "northern star", a star so bright in the sky, with a long battle to endure. All the stars in the sky are drawn to it, whether they know it or not. It is the brightest star, with a long suffering to endure. It is so bright it draws all the stars to it, it is strong in the galaxy and all stars are touched by its strength.
Then there is the shooting star, a star with a short battle, it's is still very bright and has a huge amount of strength, but the other stars only see it for a brief moment, but then it disappears.

No matter how long the battle short or long, the star is a star, both bright, beautiful and loved.

Remember You Shane!

John 16:22 "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
Scripture given to me today by Nancy Olson, who also lost her son. Thanks Nancy.
Thought this scripture was worth posting.

"God doesn't give us more than we can bear"

During the years I have grieved the loss of my son, I have heard this quote so many times. I remember even saying to that person, define bear, in a sarcastic way. Because I had not taken my life, I was bearing. Because I live what seems to be a normal life to them, I am bearing. Define that I would say. This saying angered and confused me at the same time. If we had a loving God, would he keep giving us sickness, death, and despair to see how much we could bear. To see if we can handle all the trials I was so confused. "God doesn't give us more than we can bear" was like saying to me, "ah can't be that bad."
Did you know that there is no place in the bible that states "God Doesn't give us more than we can bear." Gods word does say this in Cor 10:13 "But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what other's experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptations from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."
As I see it there is a big difference between trials and temptation. What the scripture says to me is that God is not going to let a temptation come against us that we are unable to bear. When the temptation comes He will also create a way out so it is possible for us to bear it and escape it. This has nothing to do with the trials of life. (We are tempted when we are drawn away from God by our own sinful desires and become enticed by them.)
God does give us more than we can bear at times. Through these times we can draw closer to him so that he can give us strength to get through them. Just my view on this topic.

Loving you and missing you Shane forever!

Thanks to my special niece Sasha for the polyvore!

Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, Is how long must I wait to be with you.

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same. Cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now. In Christ, there are no goodbye. And in Christ, there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have.

To see you again. To see you again. And I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

I MISS YOU SHANE.

Mercy Me - Homesick

Until I see you again.....Happy Birthday Baby

It is the night before Shane's 22nd birthday. I have found this year to be one of the hardest. I have tried so hard to adjust to not seeing my son, Dustin on a regular basis after his wedding in April. Now I know he is exactly where he is suppose to be married, happy and with a great girl, but can someone please tell my heart that.

The last couple of months I have cried at the drop of a hat. It seems almost out of control. I somehow think that this empty nest would be alot easier is Shane was here. If Shane was here all the world would be just perfect. Now I rarely see Dustin and Shane is gone forever. Where does my life go from here. Everyone says, well next will be grandbabies, like that will fix everything. Nothing will make Shanes loss any less and someday having grandbabies does not comfort me today.

I remember thinking how would I ever make it a year without Shane and now it has been almost 8. 8 years. How can that be when the pain is so fresh and raw. 8 years. I can barely breathe when it hits my tough. It seems so far away from me. He seems so far away from me.

I wonder if he would still be that caring little boy. Sensitive to everyone and their feelings. Loving and comforting. Would he still be close to me as he was? I can only dream of what that would feel like, but somehow I know he would.

The anticipation of his birthday is generally worse than the day itself. I will try to fill the day doing things for his birthday and in his memory, but as for tonight, I think I will sit here a cry for a while. Until I can be with you again someday Shane, I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY....

Miss you today and everyday!

I Wish...

It always amazes me how you think that people in your life knows how deep your loss is. You think they would always remember it. But then there are times when you feel like they have totally forgotten. Forgotten just the little things are that are so very hard for you to do. That movie you keep for years, but could never watch again because the last time you watched it you watched it was with your son. Or that place you spent so many moments at and you can hardly breathe when you go back there. Or how you hang on to things of his merely because you can't stand the thought of anyone else having it. How can you really expect them to know. Know your pain, your loss as you do. They are not the ones who lost a child. The one who struggles blindly to get through life without them. Their everyday life has not changed. They feel the loss, but tend to forget those things that, I suppose, they think you should be over all ready. I don't know, I just wish.

Frozen

Today has been a struggle. I am missing him so much. Everything around me keeps moving forward and I want to screem Stop...Slowdown...but it don't it just keeps moving. I feel frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen where my life once was and wanting it back so bad. I miss him. His laugh, his quiet, shy spirit. I miss his gentleness. I love you Shane.

Mothers Day!

My day started with a visit to the cemetery. As I pulled up I noticed a van that looked like my moms. I pulled up just behind it and as I took a glance in her rear view mirror, I realized it wasn't my mom. I headed to Shane's grave and started to pull out some of the grass that was left behind from mowing, before I put some things on his grave that I purchased. As I was pulling the weeds, I noticed that the van was still sitting behind me and I heard the women inside silently weeping. I turned around to look and as I did, she said she was the aunt of my new daughter-in-law and her mother is barried right behind Shane. Her mom had only been gone for only 1 1/2 years. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said "sure" as she got out of the van, we immediately embraced, holding each other and crying for several seconds. We shared stories of our losses. A mother who has lost a child and a child who has lost a mother. Mothers day is hard on both. I will always remember the moment we shared at the cemetery. After she left I cleaned up Shane's grave as I would clean his room. I placed a big blue butterfly above his grave and lit a candle.
I cried all the way home and decided I had alot to do so I need to get it together...
I turned on the TV in the kitchen just to distract myself from the sadness I was feeling and when I turned on the TV the movie "August Rush" had just started. Now I have vowed I would never watch this movie..The title alone terrified me because I lost Shane in August. I knew the movie was about an 11 year old boy who spent his life in an orphanage and though music tried to find his parents. With music being a big part of Shanes life, I felt the movie could be way to emotional for me, so I pretty much avoided it. I grabbed the controller and I couldn't change the channel...I found myself sitting there through the whole movie crying my heart out. When the movie was over I realized that Shane wanted me to watch this movie....To close my eyes and hear the music. When I feel and hear the music in all the things around me he will be there.
Today was a very hard day, but at the same time I was very blessed.

The Wedding

We'll it has been a week since my son Dustinsand his bride Krystals wedding... The day was beautiful at almost 70 degrees. I think all went well with the ceremony and reception. The day encountered many emotions. One of happiness., happiness for my son who will start his live with a beautiful and sweet bride. One of a new life I will now have. A different relationship with my son and a new relationship with my daughter in law. I couldn't help but think about Shane during this event. I know he would have been standing right by Dustin's side. He would have been so proud, as he loved and admired his brother so much. The day brought alot of joy, but an emptiness at the same time. I don't know quite what my part is now as I was so busy help planning the wedding and now it is over. I will just always be there for them as they start their lives together. I pray for their continued happiness and look forward to many years of combining our lives. I know Shane was watching over us and his brother and I know he was very proud.

Out of the Box

Today my stepsister, Michelle, spent some time with me. She lost her son, Evan, last August. We discussed that very first painful first year. As I told her what I could to comfort her, I also could not go there in my mind for fear that I may be sick. The first year of the loss of a child is probably the most painful time of all. She asked me if she will ever come out of the box that she was in. I could only say you may fling one leg over. Some days you may fall completely back into the box, but you will never come completely out of the box. Your loss will always be a part of you and she will forever be changed. But I assured her that nothing is as painful as that first year of loss. The pain will always be there, but it will not be so raw.
Maybe I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I remember reaching out to everyone and everything I could to find someone to lessen my pain. No one could. I guess my best advice is you have to just go through it and hope somehow you survive.
I told her she needed to take care of herself first and foremost. Do what she needed just to survive. I have not been really close to my stepsister since I lost my son Shane. I hope the moments we share together help her to move forward with her precious Evan still close in her heart, but I know she still has alot to go through. You never completely recover from the loss of a child, but somehow you learn to live with them in your heart.

My Place!

There is a place that waits for me,
Where all my emotions can be set free.
I look forward to it, as you can see,
Because all of my emotions build up inside of me.
My little space, I can be alone.
I feel my loss alot deeper, and there I'm alone.
I can cry as much as I want. as the water hits my face.
Sometimes I sit in the corner in my 3 x 3 space.
Although at the same time, my body gets clean,
It helps to cleanse my heart, and to remember my teen.
So I will cherish this place, just between you and me,
I wish there were more places, my heart could be free.
Written by me!

A New Year!

I didn't know how much the new year would impact me. I guess I don't remember from year to year how painful the new year can be. Maybe it is because a new year has started without Shane. Maybe it is because each year that passes he becomes farther away. Maybe because the new year means the pain is suppose to lessen, and it does not. I cannot pinpoint any one certain thing, or maybe it is all combined. I cry over every little thing, I'm sure my husband thinks I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I am. I just know that another year has passed that I haven't had my Shane. I remember saying, I wouldn't survive one year and here I am.
I am not the women I once was, I am a mother who has lost. With that I became a totally different person. One who may be more sensitive to that song on the radio. One who may cry over things that other people don't understand. One who doesn't trust life won't throw her another devistating curve ball. I am no longer the person I was before and the new year reminds me of that.