Music of my Heart!

Shane died at the age of 14. When I dream of him he often comes to me at this age. The age where I would hold and cuddle him as a baby.

You can visit Shane at

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day!

My day started with a visit to the cemetery. As I pulled up I noticed a van that looked like my moms. I pulled up just behind it and as I took a glance in her rear view mirror, I realized it wasn't my mom. I headed to Shane's grave and started to pull out some of the grass that was left behind from mowing, before I put some things on his grave that I purchased. As I was pulling the weeds, I noticed that the van was still sitting behind me and I heard the women inside silently weeping. I turned around to look and as I did, she said she was the aunt of my new daughter-in-law and her mother is barried right behind Shane. Her mom had only been gone for only 1 1/2 years. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said "sure" as she got out of the van, we immediately embraced, holding each other and crying for several seconds. We shared stories of our losses. A mother who has lost a child and a child who has lost a mother. Mothers day is hard on both. I will always remember the moment we shared at the cemetery. After she left I cleaned up Shane's grave as I would clean his room. I placed a big blue butterfly above his grave and lit a candle.
I cried all the way home and decided I had alot to do so I need to get it together...
I turned on the TV in the kitchen just to distract myself from the sadness I was feeling and when I turned on the TV the movie "August Rush" had just started. Now I have vowed I would never watch this movie..The title alone terrified me because I lost Shane in August. I knew the movie was about an 11 year old boy who spent his life in an orphanage and though music tried to find his parents. With music being a big part of Shanes life, I felt the movie could be way to emotional for me, so I pretty much avoided it. I grabbed the controller and I couldn't change the channel...I found myself sitting there through the whole movie crying my heart out. When the movie was over I realized that Shane wanted me to watch this movie....To close my eyes and hear the music. When I feel and hear the music in all the things around me he will be there.
Today was a very hard day, but at the same time I was very blessed.

1 comment:

Bridget said...

I read all three. I still know I will never ever totally understand your pain. But you pain is my pain and your loss is my loss. I lost a loving nephew I know and I mourn for myself. But you lost so much more your son. A precious existance in your life. A jell that was the center of your family. A sweet precious loving tender spirit that this world is not a better place without and for all this and because he is gone and your pain never ends and will never end until you hold him in glory! I mourn all the more. You say I am comfort but I don't always do and say the right things. Sometimes I want to sit and hold you and just let you cry the way you want to hold and comfort your Shane. I feel like you are the other half of me. I wish I had the power to ease your pain. The one thing I hold to is the gifts that God has given you and us to know that he has Shane that he is safe in his arms. I am sorry that you hurt so much. I am really sorry you had to lose your precious Shane and I want you to know I love you very very much!

Listen to In Memory of Shane

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To all who mourn…he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory. …I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.” Isaiah 61:1-2a, 3 & 62:1b NLT
“…that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever. The people who walk in darkness will see a great light… For God will break the chains that bind his people…” Isaiah 9:1a, 2a, 4a NLT