A Pumpkin Tradition

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my son Dustin and his finance' Krystal. A few days ago Dustin asked me how I felt about carving pumpkins. He did it with some hesitation, knowing we had not carved pumpkins since Shane died. I said sure without hesitation. I guess I wanted to be involved in anything I can in Dustin and Krystals life, even if it is hard. When they showed up with the pumpkins, I entered the room to find Krysal with flowers. She said they are for you, we are going to make a pumpkin vase (centerpiece). I was so touched by that and was eager to see what we came up with as a centerpiece. As we carved pumpkins and a centerpiece, Shane never left my mind. As I dug into the slimy pumpkin, I could see Shane's face as he hated to stick his hand inside the pumpkin. I still found myself having a good time and we made a beautiful centerpiece.
Tonight I realized that Krystal will add a new part to our family and with that new experiences, new memories and new traditions. We will not forget Shane, but somehow it felt like we weren't carving pumpkins without him, but we were experiencing a new way of carving pumpkins with a new family member. I am so grateful that Dustin and Krystal included me today. I feel like I have jumped another hurtle. I look forward to the life I will share with Dustin and Krystal. I love them so very much.

Asking Why?

When Shane died, I didn't work for a year. I thought, how could I ever go back to work in my beauty shop. Talking one on one with people was the last thing I wanted to do. Over the years, I believe going back into the beauty shop was what I was suppose to do. I encounter so many people who have touched my life and I hope I have impacted them too even if only in a little way. Today my client, who is truely a genuine spirit, who has been trying to have a baby. She has spent thousands of dollars leading to one dissapointment after another. She shared her months of frustration, dissapointment and her despirate desire to have a baby. She has sores all over her body, her stomach, she reluctantly showed me. Full of bruises where she has to inject herself daily. I have been the lucky one, to be pregnant without even trying, but only to have lost 14 years later. But her, wanting a baby so very badly, and not being able to concieve. It only leaves the lifelong question of why? Why do some people get blessed with a child, only to have to say goodbye to them a few years later. Why do some people want a baby so badly that is consumes them so deeply. I realized each pain in each life although different can cause great confusion. Asking why? Why do some love and loss and some just patiently await to love with all the hope in their heart? I believe this is the last attempt for my client to concieve, so tonight, I pray to you, god to give her what she longs for. To give her what she so desires. Please lord, give her this baby. I don't know of any woman who longs to be a mother more. Please bless her and never leave her during this time.

An Unknown Prayer

Today I went to Staples, where my son Dustin works, I bought a few things and he helped me carry them to the car. On the back 2 windows of my van are decals in rememberance of Shane. As Dustin helped me load the van, I noticed a woman looking at me from her truck, but knew I didn't know her. As Dustin walked back towards Staples, she waved at me to come over, so I did. She said she had noticed the decals on my back windows and wanted to know if my son was the one in the accident on 47S. I told her he was. She proceeded to tell me that she lives on 47S and passes the intersection where I placed a cross and flowers in his memory. As she passes there every day she says a prayer for me and for our family. I almost went somewhere else today, but had a sudden change of heart. My course took me to a women, who has been praying for our family and with that I feel touched and was glad our paths crossed today.

A Shared Loss

Today started with a new client. As with all new clients, there is always the talk of children. How many kids do you have. Seems to be the most common question. I then have to decide how to handle this question. Do I talk about it, or do I not. She wanted to know if I had kids in school. I proceeded to tell her, oh no my son is almost 24. Not meaning to leave Shane out, but not sure if I wanted to go there. As our conversation continued, I decided to tell her I had another son who had passed. Sometimes the response is an uncomfortable feeling, as if you almost wish you hadn't mentioned it. And other times they just continue to talk as if they didn't hear you at all and then you feel even worse. Today I shared my story with her as I held her precious 9 month old daughter in my arms. Her eyes immediately filled with tears. I felt so bad for telling her about losing Shane it was obvious it hit her in a different way than most. I said, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. As she stood there with tears filling her eyes, she shared the loss of her unborn baby just 18 months earlier. This complete stranger stands in front of me, but I felt closer than ever to her as we endured a very deep loss. I had my son 14 years, but she never got to know her sweet baby at all. It was a blessed moment between us as we shared our broken hearts.

A Prayer for You!

Please pray for me:
Lord even though I face a busy day (or just have lived through one). Even though I find myself running from this to that, from here to there, I still want to crawl into the shelter of your arms. Even though my life moves in a blur, I want to still myself in your strength. I want to rest in your protection and tender care, even when I feel like I'm arm wrestling alligators, I take refuse in you Jesus. This day, and all days.

Emmaus Gathering 2007
As I still struggle with remembering god is there. Try to remember god is there to catch you when you fall. Try to lean on him during times of struggle. He has showed me he has my son, Shane.

I Reflect

Today I reflect on the recent loss of my step nephew. Although I can say I knew him on a personal level his loss has touched a cord. Remembering that raw pain the first few weeks. As I spoke with his mother, my stepsister, over the phone she reminded me of the things that people say that hit you in a deep and saddened way. It remined me of a poem on the angelmoms.com sight and I thought it was worth repeating.

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken will heal, Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place, Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me, That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories, You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name, Because it is something I long to hear,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, your friendship will be my treasure

Thanks to Angel Moms.