My Place!

There is a place that waits for me,
Where all my emotions can be set free.
I look forward to it, as you can see,
Because all of my emotions build up inside of me.
My little space, I can be alone.
I feel my loss alot deeper, and there I'm alone.
I can cry as much as I want. as the water hits my face.
Sometimes I sit in the corner in my 3 x 3 space.
Although at the same time, my body gets clean,
It helps to cleanse my heart, and to remember my teen.
So I will cherish this place, just between you and me,
I wish there were more places, my heart could be free.
Written by me!

A New Year!

I didn't know how much the new year would impact me. I guess I don't remember from year to year how painful the new year can be. Maybe it is because a new year has started without Shane. Maybe it is because each year that passes he becomes farther away. Maybe because the new year means the pain is suppose to lessen, and it does not. I cannot pinpoint any one certain thing, or maybe it is all combined. I cry over every little thing, I'm sure my husband thinks I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I am. I just know that another year has passed that I haven't had my Shane. I remember saying, I wouldn't survive one year and here I am.
I am not the women I once was, I am a mother who has lost. With that I became a totally different person. One who may be more sensitive to that song on the radio. One who may cry over things that other people don't understand. One who doesn't trust life won't throw her another devistating curve ball. I am no longer the person I was before and the new year reminds me of that.

Another Christmas without Shane

As Christmas comes and goes, I realize that it never gets easier. I missed Shane more than ever this year. I hung stocking for the first time last year and to remember Shane I wrote him a letter and stuck it into his stocking. I did it again this year. It seams as though it is the only moment I have just with him. Although I am surrounded by family, the holidays I feel so alone. No one mentions him much and all I can do is think about all he brought to Christmas and how much I miss him. I missed candlelighting ( I go to New Hope Church every year to light a candle in memory of Shane, Roses in December) this year too. We celebrated Christmas with my family that day, but the time everyone had left it was about 10 til 6, candlelighting was at 6. I really contiplated going to it, but knew I would be going alone. I have gone alone before, but this year, I just didn't have it in me to go alone. I decorated Shane's grave with candy canes and candies with a tree and a wreath. I know he loved it. I reflected on my stepsister, who just lost her son this August and how painful this xmas will be for her.
I have to say, I am glad another holiday season is over.

I Would Have Filled My Home With Children

As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.

I Believe.

Every now and then,
Soft as breath upon my skin,
I feel you come back again, And it's like you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side, Like the tears were never cried,
Like the hands of time
Are holding you... and me. And with all my heart I'm sure. We're closer than we ever were. I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need.
There are more than angels watching... over me. I believe... Oh, I believe
That when you die your life goes on. It doesn't end here when you're gone. Every soul is filled with light. It never ends ..and if I'm right. Our love can even reach.. across.. eternity..!
I believe... Ooh, I believe. Forever, you're a part of me. Forever, in the heart of me.
I will hold you even longer, if I can...! Oh, the people who don't see the most.
See that I believe in ghosts. If that makes me crazy, Then I am... 'cause I believe!
Oh, I believe...! There are more than angels watching.. over me!
I believe Oh, I believe...Every now and then. Soft as breath upon my skin.
I feel you come back again.........and I believe.

Every Day

I read my niece, Sasha's Blog tonight and her story touched me so much! Please read it below

On the way to school yesterday morning, the song "Everyday" by Rascal Flatts came on the radio, and I thought of my mom and aunt Dana. I always think of them when I hear that song. I think about how my aunt has pulled through so much in the last decade (and her entire life), and how strong she is. I think about my mom and aunt's relationship. They always stand beside each other, through young and old, thick and thin...every phase of life, every day, they have saved each other.I can only hope that you have a 'someone' like that, someone who saves your life every day.The song also made me think of a dream I had just two nights ago. I was with my aunt Dana in a room with only one window. I could not see out of the window because she had tacked so many pictures of Shane all over it. She was completely estatic, the happiest I have ever, ever seen her. She kept talking about how she was going to see her Shane soon, and she could not compose herself, she was so excited. Shane was coming to get her anytime, and I told her I didn't want her to go, but she was so happy that I let her.The thought of who will be there when we leave this world makes death seem so much less frightening. I know Shane will be waiting behind the white picket fence of heaven, smiling at her, just as anxious to see his mommy again.