I Wish...

It always amazes me how you think that people in your life knows how deep your loss is. You think they would always remember it. But then there are times when you feel like they have totally forgotten. Forgotten just the little things are that are so very hard for you to do. That movie you keep for years, but could never watch again because the last time you watched it you watched it was with your son. Or that place you spent so many moments at and you can hardly breathe when you go back there. Or how you hang on to things of his merely because you can't stand the thought of anyone else having it. How can you really expect them to know. Know your pain, your loss as you do. They are not the ones who lost a child. The one who struggles blindly to get through life without them. Their everyday life has not changed. They feel the loss, but tend to forget those things that, I suppose, they think you should be over all ready. I don't know, I just wish.

Frozen

Today has been a struggle. I am missing him so much. Everything around me keeps moving forward and I want to screem Stop...Slowdown...but it don't it just keeps moving. I feel frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen where my life once was and wanting it back so bad. I miss him. His laugh, his quiet, shy spirit. I miss his gentleness. I love you Shane.

Mothers Day!

My day started with a visit to the cemetery. As I pulled up I noticed a van that looked like my moms. I pulled up just behind it and as I took a glance in her rear view mirror, I realized it wasn't my mom. I headed to Shane's grave and started to pull out some of the grass that was left behind from mowing, before I put some things on his grave that I purchased. As I was pulling the weeds, I noticed that the van was still sitting behind me and I heard the women inside silently weeping. I turned around to look and as I did, she said she was the aunt of my new daughter-in-law and her mother is barried right behind Shane. Her mom had only been gone for only 1 1/2 years. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said "sure" as she got out of the van, we immediately embraced, holding each other and crying for several seconds. We shared stories of our losses. A mother who has lost a child and a child who has lost a mother. Mothers day is hard on both. I will always remember the moment we shared at the cemetery. After she left I cleaned up Shane's grave as I would clean his room. I placed a big blue butterfly above his grave and lit a candle.
I cried all the way home and decided I had alot to do so I need to get it together...
I turned on the TV in the kitchen just to distract myself from the sadness I was feeling and when I turned on the TV the movie "August Rush" had just started. Now I have vowed I would never watch this movie..The title alone terrified me because I lost Shane in August. I knew the movie was about an 11 year old boy who spent his life in an orphanage and though music tried to find his parents. With music being a big part of Shanes life, I felt the movie could be way to emotional for me, so I pretty much avoided it. I grabbed the controller and I couldn't change the channel...I found myself sitting there through the whole movie crying my heart out. When the movie was over I realized that Shane wanted me to watch this movie....To close my eyes and hear the music. When I feel and hear the music in all the things around me he will be there.
Today was a very hard day, but at the same time I was very blessed.

The Wedding

We'll it has been a week since my son Dustinsand his bride Krystals wedding... The day was beautiful at almost 70 degrees. I think all went well with the ceremony and reception. The day encountered many emotions. One of happiness., happiness for my son who will start his live with a beautiful and sweet bride. One of a new life I will now have. A different relationship with my son and a new relationship with my daughter in law. I couldn't help but think about Shane during this event. I know he would have been standing right by Dustin's side. He would have been so proud, as he loved and admired his brother so much. The day brought alot of joy, but an emptiness at the same time. I don't know quite what my part is now as I was so busy help planning the wedding and now it is over. I will just always be there for them as they start their lives together. I pray for their continued happiness and look forward to many years of combining our lives. I know Shane was watching over us and his brother and I know he was very proud.

Out of the Box

Today my stepsister, Michelle, spent some time with me. She lost her son, Evan, last August. We discussed that very first painful first year. As I told her what I could to comfort her, I also could not go there in my mind for fear that I may be sick. The first year of the loss of a child is probably the most painful time of all. She asked me if she will ever come out of the box that she was in. I could only say you may fling one leg over. Some days you may fall completely back into the box, but you will never come completely out of the box. Your loss will always be a part of you and she will forever be changed. But I assured her that nothing is as painful as that first year of loss. The pain will always be there, but it will not be so raw.
Maybe I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I remember reaching out to everyone and everything I could to find someone to lessen my pain. No one could. I guess my best advice is you have to just go through it and hope somehow you survive.
I told her she needed to take care of herself first and foremost. Do what she needed just to survive. I have not been really close to my stepsister since I lost my son Shane. I hope the moments we share together help her to move forward with her precious Evan still close in her heart, but I know she still has alot to go through. You never completely recover from the loss of a child, but somehow you learn to live with them in your heart.

My Place!

There is a place that waits for me,
Where all my emotions can be set free.
I look forward to it, as you can see,
Because all of my emotions build up inside of me.
My little space, I can be alone.
I feel my loss alot deeper, and there I'm alone.
I can cry as much as I want. as the water hits my face.
Sometimes I sit in the corner in my 3 x 3 space.
Although at the same time, my body gets clean,
It helps to cleanse my heart, and to remember my teen.
So I will cherish this place, just between you and me,
I wish there were more places, my heart could be free.
Written by me!

A New Year!

I didn't know how much the new year would impact me. I guess I don't remember from year to year how painful the new year can be. Maybe it is because a new year has started without Shane. Maybe it is because each year that passes he becomes farther away. Maybe because the new year means the pain is suppose to lessen, and it does not. I cannot pinpoint any one certain thing, or maybe it is all combined. I cry over every little thing, I'm sure my husband thinks I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I am. I just know that another year has passed that I haven't had my Shane. I remember saying, I wouldn't survive one year and here I am.
I am not the women I once was, I am a mother who has lost. With that I became a totally different person. One who may be more sensitive to that song on the radio. One who may cry over things that other people don't understand. One who doesn't trust life won't throw her another devistating curve ball. I am no longer the person I was before and the new year reminds me of that.