A New Year!

I didn't know how much the new year would impact me. I guess I don't remember from year to year how painful the new year can be. Maybe it is because a new year has started without Shane. Maybe it is because each year that passes he becomes farther away. Maybe because the new year means the pain is suppose to lessen, and it does not. I cannot pinpoint any one certain thing, or maybe it is all combined. I cry over every little thing, I'm sure my husband thinks I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I am. I just know that another year has passed that I haven't had my Shane. I remember saying, I wouldn't survive one year and here I am.
I am not the women I once was, I am a mother who has lost. With that I became a totally different person. One who may be more sensitive to that song on the radio. One who may cry over things that other people don't understand. One who doesn't trust life won't throw her another devistating curve ball. I am no longer the person I was before and the new year reminds me of that.

Another Christmas without Shane

As Christmas comes and goes, I realize that it never gets easier. I missed Shane more than ever this year. I hung stocking for the first time last year and to remember Shane I wrote him a letter and stuck it into his stocking. I did it again this year. It seams as though it is the only moment I have just with him. Although I am surrounded by family, the holidays I feel so alone. No one mentions him much and all I can do is think about all he brought to Christmas and how much I miss him. I missed candlelighting ( I go to New Hope Church every year to light a candle in memory of Shane, Roses in December) this year too. We celebrated Christmas with my family that day, but the time everyone had left it was about 10 til 6, candlelighting was at 6. I really contiplated going to it, but knew I would be going alone. I have gone alone before, but this year, I just didn't have it in me to go alone. I decorated Shane's grave with candy canes and candies with a tree and a wreath. I know he loved it. I reflected on my stepsister, who just lost her son this August and how painful this xmas will be for her.
I have to say, I am glad another holiday season is over.

I Would Have Filled My Home With Children

As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.

I Believe.

Every now and then,
Soft as breath upon my skin,
I feel you come back again, And it's like you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side, Like the tears were never cried,
Like the hands of time
Are holding you... and me. And with all my heart I'm sure. We're closer than we ever were. I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need.
There are more than angels watching... over me. I believe... Oh, I believe
That when you die your life goes on. It doesn't end here when you're gone. Every soul is filled with light. It never ends ..and if I'm right. Our love can even reach.. across.. eternity..!
I believe... Ooh, I believe. Forever, you're a part of me. Forever, in the heart of me.
I will hold you even longer, if I can...! Oh, the people who don't see the most.
See that I believe in ghosts. If that makes me crazy, Then I am... 'cause I believe!
Oh, I believe...! There are more than angels watching.. over me!
I believe Oh, I believe...Every now and then. Soft as breath upon my skin.
I feel you come back again.........and I believe.

Every Day

I read my niece, Sasha's Blog tonight and her story touched me so much! Please read it below

On the way to school yesterday morning, the song "Everyday" by Rascal Flatts came on the radio, and I thought of my mom and aunt Dana. I always think of them when I hear that song. I think about how my aunt has pulled through so much in the last decade (and her entire life), and how strong she is. I think about my mom and aunt's relationship. They always stand beside each other, through young and old, thick and thin...every phase of life, every day, they have saved each other.I can only hope that you have a 'someone' like that, someone who saves your life every day.The song also made me think of a dream I had just two nights ago. I was with my aunt Dana in a room with only one window. I could not see out of the window because she had tacked so many pictures of Shane all over it. She was completely estatic, the happiest I have ever, ever seen her. She kept talking about how she was going to see her Shane soon, and she could not compose herself, she was so excited. Shane was coming to get her anytime, and I told her I didn't want her to go, but she was so happy that I let her.The thought of who will be there when we leave this world makes death seem so much less frightening. I know Shane will be waiting behind the white picket fence of heaven, smiling at her, just as anxious to see his mommy again.

Everything Happens For a Reason?

I have heard this comment on a regular basis, so I feel I need to disect this quote/comment. Why do people believe that everything happens for a reason? When I think about this "quote" I wonder do they really believe it? If you think about it and break it down, you would have to believe that there is a reason for a hurricane that kills 1,000's of people, did they all deserve to die? Are the survivors of it better because of it? How about that the little girl who was abducted raped an left for dead. Do you really think their family sleeps at night, or that there was a good reason for the way they lost their baby. Or how about the man walking into his workplace, killing all of his coworkers. Does that seem reasonable. I cannot see any of this happening for a reason. Can we be open to the thought that maybe bad things just happen. Jesus died for our sins. OUR SINS! I do believe that God knows when and how each of us will die on this earth. But to believe that he choses the way one dies and choses it for a reason? Our Father who loves us, chose to have people die in such brutal ways? Think about it.
Say you have a person in the hospital who just escaped death. She praises God and believes he left her here because he loves her and was watching over her. In the same hospital a mother dies and leaves her young son. Is she not worthy is gods eyes? What about the small child. Is he not worthy? Because of his mothers loss, will he grow up to do great things in his mothers memory, so that we can say "he does great things because he lost his mother" hensing "Everything happens for a reason"? But what if instead this child turns to a life of drugs and crime. Would we then say "Everything happens for a reason"......This quote is openended. I could go on and on.
If I lost my sweet baby Shane for a reason I am sure waiting to find out what it is. I have not seen alot of positive come out of the loss of a child. I have seen divorce and I have seen suicide. There is nothing I will ever do in my life that would ever change the world as it would have been changed with my Shane in it. I will never be completely be happy again. I will always feel lost and empty without him. So a reason he's gone, well I can't consive it. So does that mean god does not love me?
I leave you with just one thought. Could it be possible that we just live in a sinful world. A world where bad things just happen. God knows they will happen and choses not to stop them, but not for a "reason", I believe he lets life proceed as he left it. A life of sin, bad, good, suffering and unfortunately death. If he did stop all bad things, then why die on the cross, why die for our sins?
So, I believe that the day my sons were in an accident that God knew it was going to happen. Did he stop it? No. But did it "Happen for a Reason"? That is up to you to decide, but for me I would like to believe, God did not make it happen. There was absolutely no reason in the world why Shane had to die, but mostly I would like to believe that God cried with me the day I lost my Shane.
I hope that before you use this quote again that you think about it and be sure you believe it before you say it.

I also recommend the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People"