Is remembering your child dwelling or love?

I recently was told that I constantly dwell on my sons death and doing so is only depressing me and my family. Now this person barely knows me, but with that said, I felt compelled to reflect on that comment .
If you are a mother who has lost a child, I would love for you to leave a comment. Now, not a day goes by that I don't think of my son, Shane. I post pictures of him, when I feel impelled to do so, usually around his birthday and the anniversary of his death. On his birthday, I put together an afternoon with friends and family of music, we release butterflies and balloons after which all of his family goes out to eat to celebrate Shane's birthday. I also paint portraits of him, as he is not the only one I have painted, I have painted everyone in my family practically. I also have a Scholarship in his memory "Shane Ellis Southmont Band Scholarship" that I give out every year to a graduating senior. Finally the Shane Marches on Foundation, an instrument program that takes donated instruments and reconditions them and is loaned out to children who are in financial need.
I don't know about how you feel about this. But when I reflect on all I do, I feel I just am showing how much he was loved by us, family and friends, and that we always will remember him and that dwelling is never been a word that I would ever describe LOVE as Dwelling. But if Loving, and Remember is the same as Dwelling......Then I am Dwelling!!!!

World Wide Candlelighting

Tonight I sit all dressed up with your photo that is in a sterling glass locket that hangs around my neck. I was heading to church to light a candle for you, only to find out it has been cancelled, due to the weather. This year has been an extremely difficult one and I don't even know for sure why. It seems so long since you left me, but at the same the hurt in my heart is still fresh and new. I just wanted that one hour with you. Just me and you, to reflect, to feel you, to remember, in a room where it is ok to remember, where you don't feel quite so alone. To shine a light that you could possibly see, and to listen to music you could possibly hear. I love you and miss you so much my baby only you know the depth of it. I long to be with you and can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms again. At 7:00 p.m., I will be meeting your Aunt Bridget, here on the net and at the same time we will reflect and light a candle, anyway. There will be, only your music, that we will be hearing. I love you and miss you always. <3>

Missing YOU!

As the holiday approaches, I anticipate the emptiness of you not here. I love you and miss you more than ever. Mommy

Mothers Day

As the week and month is going by and my schedule is overwelmingly busy, I guess still in my mind I know Mothers Day is approaching. Mothers Day has alway been very difficult and I know most of my family doesn't even give it a second thought. I am a mother a mother of 2. Having one child in heaven makes Mothers Day bittersweet. But I will try to grasp on to my son, Dustin, and love and cherish him as long as I live until the one day when I will have a Mothers Day in heaven too:) I love my sons on this Mothers Day and every day. I am blessed to have Dustin and blessed to have had Shane. Dustin Dwayne Ellis and Shane Ryan Ellis...(((((HUGS)))))

In A Dream!!

My niece Sasha posted a dream about Shane on her blog. If you are interested in reading it please visit her blog...God Bless you Sasha.
http://sashanaomi.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

My Child Does Live On......

The night the Dr. came into Shane's room and said "We did all we could do" forever changed our lives.
That night the numbers on all of the monitors Shane had connected to him had stayed pretty stable. I had only slept 4 hours in the last 6 days. I thought tonight is the night I will rest. I sat in the very uncomfortable chair that had been in Shane's room and found a position that I thought now I might sleep at least for a little. I looked at all of the monitors, but they fell out of focus. I was so very exhausted that I couldn't see any of the numbers on the moniters at all anymore. I slowly drifted as if there was hope, hope for tomarrow, hope for a recover, hope for Shane's eyes to open, hope for him to say "Mommy".
Shane had survived 6 days since the accident, he was on the journey of recovery, so I thought. He had the front part of his right frontal brain removed and yet I don't think it registered completely what that loss was going to effect. I know he would remember me, anyway, how could he not, We had a such a strong love and connection, there is no possible way he wouldn't remember me, I remember thinking. But I knew the loss of that part of his brain could effect his memory, but I was in denial of that, as I was of most of what had happened that week. As I was dozing off that night I could hear the moniter numbers changing, The sounds were not ordinary and I immediately was able to focus, like I had slept for days even though I never slept at all. That is when the Dr. came in.
That night Alex had went and laid down. I sat there alone in disbelief that the journey of Shane's recovery was ending. I couldn't take this news alone and although Alex was only asleep for a short time I needed him. He needed to know. After I woke him, we sat with Shane and wept. We spent all through the night. Just me, Alex and Shane. Trying to come to some sort of terms with what was happening, as if that is at all possible, weeping at his bedside. Some where through the night in our most intense grief, I looked across Shane's bed at my husband and said "Do you think he could be an organ donor" Part of me couldn't believe I had just said that. Why, I even thought that was beyond me.
The morning had came and that is when we would face the family and have to tell them and my precious other son, Dustin. That we were going to lose our precious son Shane. Later in the day I had pulled Dustin aside and asked him about organ donation. His response was Shane would do anything I would do and I would definately be an organ donor. What giving boys I have. When IOPO approached us, we had already decided that we would donate Shane's organs if we could. They treated us with utmost gentleness. I write this story in honor Donate Life Indiana Day!
Shane donated both kidneys, his liver and heart valves and lives on.

Love Shane's Mom
This story is dedicated to Cindy Parkison - Shanes Liver Recipient - With Utmost Love

My Shooting Star

The "northern star", a star so bright in the sky, with a long battle to endure. All the stars in the sky are drawn to it, whether they know it or not. It is the brightest star, with a long suffering to endure. It is so bright it draws all the stars to it, it is strong in the galaxy and all stars are touched by its strength.
Then there is the shooting star, a star with a short battle, it's is still very bright and has a huge amount of strength, but the other stars only see it for a brief moment, but then it disappears.

No matter how long the battle short or long, the star is a star, both bright, beautiful and loved.

Remember You Shane!

John 16:22 "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
Scripture given to me today by Nancy Olson, who also lost her son. Thanks Nancy.
Thought this scripture was worth posting.

"God doesn't give us more than we can bear"

During the years I have grieved the loss of my son, I have heard this quote so many times. I remember even saying to that person, define bear, in a sarcastic way. Because I had not taken my life, I was bearing. Because I live what seems to be a normal life to them, I am bearing. Define that I would say. This saying angered and confused me at the same time. If we had a loving God, would he keep giving us sickness, death, and despair to see how much we could bear. To see if we can handle all the trials I was so confused. "God doesn't give us more than we can bear" was like saying to me, "ah can't be that bad."
Did you know that there is no place in the bible that states "God Doesn't give us more than we can bear." Gods word does say this in Cor 10:13 "But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what other's experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptations from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."
As I see it there is a big difference between trials and temptation. What the scripture says to me is that God is not going to let a temptation come against us that we are unable to bear. When the temptation comes He will also create a way out so it is possible for us to bear it and escape it. This has nothing to do with the trials of life. (We are tempted when we are drawn away from God by our own sinful desires and become enticed by them.)
God does give us more than we can bear at times. Through these times we can draw closer to him so that he can give us strength to get through them. Just my view on this topic.

Loving you and missing you Shane forever!

Thanks to my special niece Sasha for the polyvore!

Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, Is how long must I wait to be with you.

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same. Cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now. In Christ, there are no goodbye. And in Christ, there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have.

To see you again. To see you again. And I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

I MISS YOU SHANE.

Mercy Me - Homesick

Until I see you again.....Happy Birthday Baby

It is the night before Shane's 22nd birthday. I have found this year to be one of the hardest. I have tried so hard to adjust to not seeing my son, Dustin on a regular basis after his wedding in April. Now I know he is exactly where he is suppose to be married, happy and with a great girl, but can someone please tell my heart that.

The last couple of months I have cried at the drop of a hat. It seems almost out of control. I somehow think that this empty nest would be alot easier is Shane was here. If Shane was here all the world would be just perfect. Now I rarely see Dustin and Shane is gone forever. Where does my life go from here. Everyone says, well next will be grandbabies, like that will fix everything. Nothing will make Shanes loss any less and someday having grandbabies does not comfort me today.

I remember thinking how would I ever make it a year without Shane and now it has been almost 8. 8 years. How can that be when the pain is so fresh and raw. 8 years. I can barely breathe when it hits my tough. It seems so far away from me. He seems so far away from me.

I wonder if he would still be that caring little boy. Sensitive to everyone and their feelings. Loving and comforting. Would he still be close to me as he was? I can only dream of what that would feel like, but somehow I know he would.

The anticipation of his birthday is generally worse than the day itself. I will try to fill the day doing things for his birthday and in his memory, but as for tonight, I think I will sit here a cry for a while. Until I can be with you again someday Shane, I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY....

Miss you today and everyday!

I Wish...

It always amazes me how you think that people in your life knows how deep your loss is. You think they would always remember it. But then there are times when you feel like they have totally forgotten. Forgotten just the little things are that are so very hard for you to do. That movie you keep for years, but could never watch again because the last time you watched it you watched it was with your son. Or that place you spent so many moments at and you can hardly breathe when you go back there. Or how you hang on to things of his merely because you can't stand the thought of anyone else having it. How can you really expect them to know. Know your pain, your loss as you do. They are not the ones who lost a child. The one who struggles blindly to get through life without them. Their everyday life has not changed. They feel the loss, but tend to forget those things that, I suppose, they think you should be over all ready. I don't know, I just wish.

Frozen

Today has been a struggle. I am missing him so much. Everything around me keeps moving forward and I want to screem Stop...Slowdown...but it don't it just keeps moving. I feel frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen where my life once was and wanting it back so bad. I miss him. His laugh, his quiet, shy spirit. I miss his gentleness. I love you Shane.

Mothers Day!

My day started with a visit to the cemetery. As I pulled up I noticed a van that looked like my moms. I pulled up just behind it and as I took a glance in her rear view mirror, I realized it wasn't my mom. I headed to Shane's grave and started to pull out some of the grass that was left behind from mowing, before I put some things on his grave that I purchased. As I was pulling the weeds, I noticed that the van was still sitting behind me and I heard the women inside silently weeping. I turned around to look and as I did, she said she was the aunt of my new daughter-in-law and her mother is barried right behind Shane. Her mom had only been gone for only 1 1/2 years. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said "sure" as she got out of the van, we immediately embraced, holding each other and crying for several seconds. We shared stories of our losses. A mother who has lost a child and a child who has lost a mother. Mothers day is hard on both. I will always remember the moment we shared at the cemetery. After she left I cleaned up Shane's grave as I would clean his room. I placed a big blue butterfly above his grave and lit a candle.
I cried all the way home and decided I had alot to do so I need to get it together...
I turned on the TV in the kitchen just to distract myself from the sadness I was feeling and when I turned on the TV the movie "August Rush" had just started. Now I have vowed I would never watch this movie..The title alone terrified me because I lost Shane in August. I knew the movie was about an 11 year old boy who spent his life in an orphanage and though music tried to find his parents. With music being a big part of Shanes life, I felt the movie could be way to emotional for me, so I pretty much avoided it. I grabbed the controller and I couldn't change the channel...I found myself sitting there through the whole movie crying my heart out. When the movie was over I realized that Shane wanted me to watch this movie....To close my eyes and hear the music. When I feel and hear the music in all the things around me he will be there.
Today was a very hard day, but at the same time I was very blessed.

The Wedding

We'll it has been a week since my son Dustinsand his bride Krystals wedding... The day was beautiful at almost 70 degrees. I think all went well with the ceremony and reception. The day encountered many emotions. One of happiness., happiness for my son who will start his live with a beautiful and sweet bride. One of a new life I will now have. A different relationship with my son and a new relationship with my daughter in law. I couldn't help but think about Shane during this event. I know he would have been standing right by Dustin's side. He would have been so proud, as he loved and admired his brother so much. The day brought alot of joy, but an emptiness at the same time. I don't know quite what my part is now as I was so busy help planning the wedding and now it is over. I will just always be there for them as they start their lives together. I pray for their continued happiness and look forward to many years of combining our lives. I know Shane was watching over us and his brother and I know he was very proud.

Out of the Box

Today my stepsister, Michelle, spent some time with me. She lost her son, Evan, last August. We discussed that very first painful first year. As I told her what I could to comfort her, I also could not go there in my mind for fear that I may be sick. The first year of the loss of a child is probably the most painful time of all. She asked me if she will ever come out of the box that she was in. I could only say you may fling one leg over. Some days you may fall completely back into the box, but you will never come completely out of the box. Your loss will always be a part of you and she will forever be changed. But I assured her that nothing is as painful as that first year of loss. The pain will always be there, but it will not be so raw.
Maybe I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I remember reaching out to everyone and everything I could to find someone to lessen my pain. No one could. I guess my best advice is you have to just go through it and hope somehow you survive.
I told her she needed to take care of herself first and foremost. Do what she needed just to survive. I have not been really close to my stepsister since I lost my son Shane. I hope the moments we share together help her to move forward with her precious Evan still close in her heart, but I know she still has alot to go through. You never completely recover from the loss of a child, but somehow you learn to live with them in your heart.

My Place!

There is a place that waits for me,
Where all my emotions can be set free.
I look forward to it, as you can see,
Because all of my emotions build up inside of me.
My little space, I can be alone.
I feel my loss alot deeper, and there I'm alone.
I can cry as much as I want. as the water hits my face.
Sometimes I sit in the corner in my 3 x 3 space.
Although at the same time, my body gets clean,
It helps to cleanse my heart, and to remember my teen.
So I will cherish this place, just between you and me,
I wish there were more places, my heart could be free.
Written by me!