My Child Lives On

Is remembering your child dwelling or love?

2011-03-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

I recently was told that I constantly dwell on my sons death and doing so is only depressing me and my family. Now this person barely knows me, but with that said, I felt compelled to reflect on that comment .
If you are a mother who has lost a child, I would love for you to leave a comment. Now, not a day goes by that I don't think of my son, Shane. I post pictures of him, when I feel impelled to do so, usually around his birthday and the anniversary of his death. On his birthday, I put together an afternoon with friends and family of music, we release butterflies and balloons after which all of his family goes out to eat to celebrate Shane's birthday. I also paint portraits of him, as he is not the only one I have painted, I have painted everyone in my family practically. I also have a Scholarship in his memory "Shane Ellis Southmont Band Scholarship" that I give out every year to a graduating senior. Finally the Shane Marches on Foundation, an instrument program that takes donated instruments and reconditions them and is loaned out to children who are in financial need.
I don't know about how you feel about this. But when I reflect on all I do, I feel I just am showing how much he was loved by us, family and friends, and that we always will remember him and that dwelling is never been a word that I would ever describe LOVE as Dwelling. But if Loving, and Remember is the same as Dwelling......Then I am Dwelling!!!!

World Wide Candlelighting

2010-12-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sit all dressed up with your photo that is in a sterling glass locket that hangs around my neck. I was heading to church to light a candle for you, only to find out it has been cancelled, due to the weather. This year has been an extremely difficult one and I don't even know for sure why. It seems so long since you left me, but at the same the hurt in my heart is still fresh and new. I just wanted that one hour with you. Just me and you, to reflect, to feel you, to remember, in a room where it is ok to remember, where you don't feel quite so alone. To shine a light that you could possibly see, and to listen to music you could possibly hear. I love you and miss you so much my baby only you know the depth of it. I long to be with you and can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms again. At 7:00 p.m., I will be meeting your Aunt Bridget, here on the net and at the same time we will reflect and light a candle, anyway. There will be, only your music, that we will be hearing. I love you and miss you always. <3>

Missing YOU!

2010-11-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

As the holiday approaches, I anticipate the emptiness of you not here. I love you and miss you more than ever. Mommy

Mothers Day

2010-05-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

As the week and month is going by and my schedule is overwelmingly busy, I guess still in my mind I know Mothers Day is approaching. Mothers Day has alway been very difficult and I know most of my family doesn't even give it a second thought. I am a mother a mother of 2. Having one child in heaven makes Mothers Day bittersweet. But I will try to grasp on to my son, Dustin, and love and cherish him as long as I live until the one day when I will have a Mothers Day in heaven too:) I love my sons on this Mothers Day and every day. I am blessed to have Dustin and blessed to have had Shane. Dustin Dwayne Ellis and Shane Ryan Ellis...(((((HUGS)))))

In A Dream!!

2010-04-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

My niece Sasha posted a dream about Shane on her blog. If you are interested in reading it please visit her blog...God Bless you Sasha.
http://sashanaomi.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

My Child Does Live On......

2010-03-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

The night the Dr. came into Shane's room and said "We did all we could do" forever changed our lives.
That night the numbers on all of the monitors Shane had connected to him had stayed pretty stable. I had only slept 4 hours in the last 6 days. I thought tonight is the night I will rest. I sat in the very uncomfortable chair that had been in Shane's room and found a position that I thought now I might sleep at least for a little. I looked at all of the monitors, but they fell out of focus. I was so very exhausted that I couldn't see any of the numbers on the moniters at all anymore. I slowly drifted as if there was hope, hope for tomarrow, hope for a recover, hope for Shane's eyes to open, hope for him to say "Mommy".
Shane had survived 6 days since the accident, he was on the journey of recovery, so I thought. He had the front part of his right frontal brain removed and yet I don't think it registered completely what that loss was going to effect. I know he would remember me, anyway, how could he not, We had a such a strong love and connection, there is no possible way he wouldn't remember me, I remember thinking. But I knew the loss of that part of his brain could effect his memory, but I was in denial of that, as I was of most of what had happened that week. As I was dozing off that night I could hear the moniter numbers changing, The sounds were not ordinary and I immediately was able to focus, like I had slept for days even though I never slept at all. That is when the Dr. came in.
That night Alex had went and laid down. I sat there alone in disbelief that the journey of Shane's recovery was ending. I couldn't take this news alone and although Alex was only asleep for a short time I needed him. He needed to know. After I woke him, we sat with Shane and wept. We spent all through the night. Just me, Alex and Shane. Trying to come to some sort of terms with what was happening, as if that is at all possible, weeping at his bedside. Some where through the night in our most intense grief, I looked across Shane's bed at my husband and said "Do you think he could be an organ donor" Part of me couldn't believe I had just said that. Why, I even thought that was beyond me.
The morning had came and that is when we would face the family and have to tell them and my precious other son, Dustin. That we were going to lose our precious son Shane. Later in the day I had pulled Dustin aside and asked him about organ donation. His response was Shane would do anything I would do and I would definately be an organ donor. What giving boys I have. When IOPO approached us, we had already decided that we would donate Shane's organs if we could. They treated us with utmost gentleness. I write this story in honor Donate Life Indiana Day!
Shane donated both kidneys, his liver and heart valves and lives on.

Love Shane's Mom
This story is dedicated to Cindy Parkison - Shanes Liver Recipient - With Utmost Love

My Shooting Star

2009-10-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

The "northern star", a star so bright in the sky, with a long battle to endure. All the stars in the sky are drawn to it, whether they know it or not. It is the brightest star, with a long suffering to endure. It is so bright it draws all the stars to it, it is strong in the galaxy and all stars are touched by its strength.
Then there is the shooting star, a star with a short battle, it's is still very bright and has a huge amount of strength, but the other stars only see it for a brief moment, but then it disappears.

No matter how long the battle short or long, the star is a star, both bright, beautiful and loved.

Remember You Shane!

2009-08-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

John 16:22 "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
Scripture given to me today by Nancy Olson, who also lost her son. Thanks Nancy.
Thought this scripture was worth posting.

"God doesn't give us more than we can bear"

2009-08-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

During the years I have grieved the loss of my son, I have heard this quote so many times. I remember even saying to that person, define bear, in a sarcastic way. Because I had not taken my life, I was bearing. Because I live what seems to be a normal life to them, I am bearing. Define that I would say. This saying angered and confused me at the same time. If we had a loving God, would he keep giving us sickness, death, and despair to see how much we could bear. To see if we can handle all the trials I was so confused. "God doesn't give us more than we can bear" was like saying to me, "ah can't be that bad."
Did you know that there is no place in the bible that states "God Doesn't give us more than we can bear." Gods word does say this in Cor 10:13 "But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what other's experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptations from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."
As I see it there is a big difference between trials and temptation. What the scripture says to me is that God is not going to let a temptation come against us that we are unable to bear. When the temptation comes He will also create a way out so it is possible for us to bear it and escape it. This has nothing to do with the trials of life. (We are tempted when we are drawn away from God by our own sinful desires and become enticed by them.)
God does give us more than we can bear at times. Through these times we can draw closer to him so that he can give us strength to get through them. Just my view on this topic.

2009-06-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

Loving you and missing you Shane forever!

2009-06-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my special niece Sasha for the polyvore!

Homesick

2009-06-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, Is how long must I wait to be with you.

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same. Cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now. In Christ, there are no goodbye. And in Christ, there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have.

To see you again. To see you again. And I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

I MISS YOU SHANE.

Mercy Me - Homesick

Until I see you again.....Happy Birthday Baby

2009-06-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

It is the night before Shane's 22nd birthday. I have found this year to be one of the hardest. I have tried so hard to adjust to not seeing my son, Dustin on a regular basis after his wedding in April. Now I know he is exactly where he is suppose to be married, happy and with a great girl, but can someone please tell my heart that.

The last couple of months I have cried at the drop of a hat. It seems almost out of control. I somehow think that this empty nest would be alot easier is Shane was here. If Shane was here all the world would be just perfect. Now I rarely see Dustin and Shane is gone forever. Where does my life go from here. Everyone says, well next will be grandbabies, like that will fix everything. Nothing will make Shanes loss any less and someday having grandbabies does not comfort me today.

I remember thinking how would I ever make it a year without Shane and now it has been almost 8. 8 years. How can that be when the pain is so fresh and raw. 8 years. I can barely breathe when it hits my tough. It seems so far away from me. He seems so far away from me.

I wonder if he would still be that caring little boy. Sensitive to everyone and their feelings. Loving and comforting. Would he still be close to me as he was? I can only dream of what that would feel like, but somehow I know he would.

The anticipation of his birthday is generally worse than the day itself. I will try to fill the day doing things for his birthday and in his memory, but as for tonight, I think I will sit here a cry for a while. Until I can be with you again someday Shane, I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY....

Miss you today and everyday!

2009-06-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

I Wish...

2009-05-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how you think that people in your life knows how deep your loss is. You think they would always remember it. But then there are times when you feel like they have totally forgotten. Forgotten just the little things are that are so very hard for you to do. That movie you keep for years, but could never watch again because the last time you watched it you watched it was with your son. Or that place you spent so many moments at and you can hardly breathe when you go back there. Or how you hang on to things of his merely because you can't stand the thought of anyone else having it. How can you really expect them to know. Know your pain, your loss as you do. They are not the ones who lost a child. The one who struggles blindly to get through life without them. Their everyday life has not changed. They feel the loss, but tend to forget those things that, I suppose, they think you should be over all ready. I don't know, I just wish.

Frozen

2009-05-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today has been a struggle. I am missing him so much. Everything around me keeps moving forward and I want to screem Stop...Slowdown...but it don't it just keeps moving. I feel frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen where my life once was and wanting it back so bad. I miss him. His laugh, his quiet, shy spirit. I miss his gentleness. I love you Shane.

Mothers Day!

2009-05-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

My day started with a visit to the cemetery. As I pulled up I noticed a van that looked like my moms. I pulled up just behind it and as I took a glance in her rear view mirror, I realized it wasn't my mom. I headed to Shane's grave and started to pull out some of the grass that was left behind from mowing, before I put some things on his grave that I purchased. As I was pulling the weeds, I noticed that the van was still sitting behind me and I heard the women inside silently weeping. I turned around to look and as I did, she said she was the aunt of my new daughter-in-law and her mother is barried right behind Shane. Her mom had only been gone for only 1 1/2 years. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said "sure" as she got out of the van, we immediately embraced, holding each other and crying for several seconds. We shared stories of our losses. A mother who has lost a child and a child who has lost a mother. Mothers day is hard on both. I will always remember the moment we shared at the cemetery. After she left I cleaned up Shane's grave as I would clean his room. I placed a big blue butterfly above his grave and lit a candle.
I cried all the way home and decided I had alot to do so I need to get it together...
I turned on the TV in the kitchen just to distract myself from the sadness I was feeling and when I turned on the TV the movie "August Rush" had just started. Now I have vowed I would never watch this movie..The title alone terrified me because I lost Shane in August. I knew the movie was about an 11 year old boy who spent his life in an orphanage and though music tried to find his parents. With music being a big part of Shanes life, I felt the movie could be way to emotional for me, so I pretty much avoided it. I grabbed the controller and I couldn't change the channel...I found myself sitting there through the whole movie crying my heart out. When the movie was over I realized that Shane wanted me to watch this movie....To close my eyes and hear the music. When I feel and hear the music in all the things around me he will be there.
Today was a very hard day, but at the same time I was very blessed.

The Wedding

2009-04-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

We'll it has been a week since my son Dustinsand his bride Krystals wedding... The day was beautiful at almost 70 degrees. I think all went well with the ceremony and reception. The day encountered many emotions. One of happiness., happiness for my son who will start his live with a beautiful and sweet bride. One of a new life I will now have. A different relationship with my son and a new relationship with my daughter in law. I couldn't help but think about Shane during this event. I know he would have been standing right by Dustin's side. He would have been so proud, as he loved and admired his brother so much. The day brought alot of joy, but an emptiness at the same time. I don't know quite what my part is now as I was so busy help planning the wedding and now it is over. I will just always be there for them as they start their lives together. I pray for their continued happiness and look forward to many years of combining our lives. I know Shane was watching over us and his brother and I know he was very proud.

Out of the Box

2009-03-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today my stepsister, Michelle, spent some time with me. She lost her son, Evan, last August. We discussed that very first painful first year. As I told her what I could to comfort her, I also could not go there in my mind for fear that I may be sick. The first year of the loss of a child is probably the most painful time of all. She asked me if she will ever come out of the box that she was in. I could only say you may fling one leg over. Some days you may fall completely back into the box, but you will never come completely out of the box. Your loss will always be a part of you and she will forever be changed. But I assured her that nothing is as painful as that first year of loss. The pain will always be there, but it will not be so raw.
Maybe I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I remember reaching out to everyone and everything I could to find someone to lessen my pain. No one could. I guess my best advice is you have to just go through it and hope somehow you survive.
I told her she needed to take care of herself first and foremost. Do what she needed just to survive. I have not been really close to my stepsister since I lost my son Shane. I hope the moments we share together help her to move forward with her precious Evan still close in her heart, but I know she still has alot to go through. You never completely recover from the loss of a child, but somehow you learn to live with them in your heart.

My Place!

2009-01-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

There is a place that waits for me,
Where all my emotions can be set free.
I look forward to it, as you can see,
Because all of my emotions build up inside of me.
My little space, I can be alone.
I feel my loss alot deeper, and there I'm alone.
I can cry as much as I want. as the water hits my face.
Sometimes I sit in the corner in my 3 x 3 space.
Although at the same time, my body gets clean,
It helps to cleanse my heart, and to remember my teen.
So I will cherish this place, just between you and me,
I wish there were more places, my heart could be free.
Written by me!

A New Year!

2009-01-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't know how much the new year would impact me. I guess I don't remember from year to year how painful the new year can be. Maybe it is because a new year has started without Shane. Maybe it is because each year that passes he becomes farther away. Maybe because the new year means the pain is suppose to lessen, and it does not. I cannot pinpoint any one certain thing, or maybe it is all combined. I cry over every little thing, I'm sure my husband thinks I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I am. I just know that another year has passed that I haven't had my Shane. I remember saying, I wouldn't survive one year and here I am.
I am not the women I once was, I am a mother who has lost. With that I became a totally different person. One who may be more sensitive to that song on the radio. One who may cry over things that other people don't understand. One who doesn't trust life won't throw her another devistating curve ball. I am no longer the person I was before and the new year reminds me of that.

Another Christmas without Shane

2008-12-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

As Christmas comes and goes, I realize that it never gets easier. I missed Shane more than ever this year. I hung stocking for the first time last year and to remember Shane I wrote him a letter and stuck it into his stocking. I did it again this year. It seams as though it is the only moment I have just with him. Although I am surrounded by family, the holidays I feel so alone. No one mentions him much and all I can do is think about all he brought to Christmas and how much I miss him. I missed candlelighting ( I go to New Hope Church every year to light a candle in memory of Shane, Roses in December) this year too. We celebrated Christmas with my family that day, but the time everyone had left it was about 10 til 6, candlelighting was at 6. I really contiplated going to it, but knew I would be going alone. I have gone alone before, but this year, I just didn't have it in me to go alone. I decorated Shane's grave with candy canes and candies with a tree and a wreath. I know he loved it. I reflected on my stepsister, who just lost her son this August and how painful this xmas will be for her.
I have to say, I am glad another holiday season is over.

I Would Have Filled My Home With Children

2008-11-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

As a child I remember not having a voice, not being heard. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and asking, why am I here? Why am I who I am? So alone in life in my own pain and suffering. No one to turn to. No one who would understand. No one who I felt safe with. What is this life and why is it the way it is. Then one day I had my first son and a breath of life entered my lungs. I had a purpose, I had someone to love, I had a reason for living. My son's became my world. They were the first and only thing in my life that gave me purpose. Made my life worth living. My life took a turn. I became a mother. And not a perfect one, but I would say I was a pretty good one. No one could love their child more than I. No one has tried to protect them from bad things more than I. I was their comforter, negotiator, their doctor and nurse. I was the one to listen, to give advice. I was there when things went bad to scoop them up and get them on thier way again. I breathed through them, I love because of them. I survive because of them. I found purpose in life because of them. So you see they gave me so much more in return. They gave me everything. My reason for life.
So now with one who has died and one getting married, I can't help but to be lost. I loved being a mom. I loved being needed. I am now trying to find my life in a different way. Those of you who have watched each one of your children leave the nest and have this empty place inside of you. You want them to go, because that is what you have taught them. You want them to start their life. When they become husbands, wifes, fathers and mothers you hold your head high. Because that is what you raised them to do. But does that make you hurt less, when your not needed as much? Or your relationship changes, even though you know it should? You can know what I feel at least most of it. But when you only have 2 children and ones dies, the nest is so much more different. I hope and know I will get through this.
I only wish if I knew 20 years ago what I know now, I would have filled my home with children.

I Believe.

2008-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

Every now and then,
Soft as breath upon my skin,
I feel you come back again, And it's like you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side, Like the tears were never cried,
Like the hands of time
Are holding you... and me. And with all my heart I'm sure. We're closer than we ever were. I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need.
There are more than angels watching... over me. I believe... Oh, I believe
That when you die your life goes on. It doesn't end here when you're gone. Every soul is filled with light. It never ends ..and if I'm right. Our love can even reach.. across.. eternity..!
I believe... Ooh, I believe. Forever, you're a part of me. Forever, in the heart of me.
I will hold you even longer, if I can...! Oh, the people who don't see the most.
See that I believe in ghosts. If that makes me crazy, Then I am... 'cause I believe!
Oh, I believe...! There are more than angels watching.. over me!
I believe Oh, I believe...Every now and then. Soft as breath upon my skin.
I feel you come back again.........and I believe.

2008-11-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Every Day

2008-11-16T20:23:00.000-08:00

I read my niece, Sasha's Blog tonight and her story touched me so much! Please read it below

On the way to school yesterday morning, the song "Everyday" by Rascal Flatts came on the radio, and I thought of my mom and aunt Dana. I always think of them when I hear that song. I think about how my aunt has pulled through so much in the last decade (and her entire life), and how strong she is. I think about my mom and aunt's relationship. They always stand beside each other, through young and old, thick and thin...every phase of life, every day, they have saved each other.I can only hope that you have a 'someone' like that, someone who saves your life every day.The song also made me think of a dream I had just two nights ago. I was with my aunt Dana in a room with only one window. I could not see out of the window because she had tacked so many pictures of Shane all over it. She was completely estatic, the happiest I have ever, ever seen her. She kept talking about how she was going to see her Shane soon, and she could not compose herself, she was so excited. Shane was coming to get her anytime, and I told her I didn't want her to go, but she was so happy that I let her.The thought of who will be there when we leave this world makes death seem so much less frightening. I know Shane will be waiting behind the white picket fence of heaven, smiling at her, just as anxious to see his mommy again.

Everything Happens For a Reason?

2008-11-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

I have heard this comment on a regular basis, so I feel I need to disect this quote/comment. Why do people believe that everything happens for a reason? When I think about this "quote" I wonder do they really believe it? If you think about it and break it down, you would have to believe that there is a reason for a hurricane that kills 1,000's of people, did they all deserve to die? Are the survivors of it better because of it? How about that the little girl who was abducted raped an left for dead. Do you really think their family sleeps at night, or that there was a good reason for the way they lost their baby. Or how about the man walking into his workplace, killing all of his coworkers. Does that seem reasonable. I cannot see any of this happening for a reason. Can we be open to the thought that maybe bad things just happen. Jesus died for our sins. OUR SINS! I do believe that God knows when and how each of us will die on this earth. But to believe that he choses the way one dies and choses it for a reason? Our Father who loves us, chose to have people die in such brutal ways? Think about it.
Say you have a person in the hospital who just escaped death. She praises God and believes he left her here because he loves her and was watching over her. In the same hospital a mother dies and leaves her young son. Is she not worthy is gods eyes? What about the small child. Is he not worthy? Because of his mothers loss, will he grow up to do great things in his mothers memory, so that we can say "he does great things because he lost his mother" hensing "Everything happens for a reason"? But what if instead this child turns to a life of drugs and crime. Would we then say "Everything happens for a reason"......This quote is openended. I could go on and on.
If I lost my sweet baby Shane for a reason I am sure waiting to find out what it is. I have not seen alot of positive come out of the loss of a child. I have seen divorce and I have seen suicide. There is nothing I will ever do in my life that would ever change the world as it would have been changed with my Shane in it. I will never be completely be happy again. I will always feel lost and empty without him. So a reason he's gone, well I can't consive it. So does that mean god does not love me?
I leave you with just one thought. Could it be possible that we just live in a sinful world. A world where bad things just happen. God knows they will happen and choses not to stop them, but not for a "reason", I believe he lets life proceed as he left it. A life of sin, bad, good, suffering and unfortunately death. If he did stop all bad things, then why die on the cross, why die for our sins?
So, I believe that the day my sons were in an accident that God knew it was going to happen. Did he stop it? No. But did it "Happen for a Reason"? That is up to you to decide, but for me I would like to believe, God did not make it happen. There was absolutely no reason in the world why Shane had to die, but mostly I would like to believe that God cried with me the day I lost my Shane.
I hope that before you use this quote again that you think about it and be sure you believe it before you say it.

I also recommend the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People"

Finding Forgiveness

2008-11-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, He spoke these words found in Luke 23:34 – “Father, forgive these people, because they don’t know what they are doing.”
They knew they were nailing Jesus to the cross of crucifixion, but they did not understand “what” they were doing. If they had known that this was indeed the Son of God, they may have had second thoughts. .
I struggle daily with forgiveness, Forgiveness of the people who wronged me in my past. When I lost Shane not only was I angry at God, but I became more angry at the ones who had hurt me. I only hope that I can someday follow Jesus' example and pray for them. For now I still hang on to the hurt inside. I expect more from the ones I love as they should completely understand my loss and the hurt that surrounds it. Some move forward with disregard to my pain. The pain of my family. (Forgive them they know not what they do) I feel the unforgiveness in my heart. How can God forgive me when I cannot forgive others? How can I forgive, when I feel they are not worthy? I am only hurting myself, for they don't even know that I hurt. I feel like the pain is eating at me like a cancer. How do I let it go and the continual disregard for my and my familys loss? I can only pray for peace and forgiveness in my heart. I can only pray that the pain I suffer will subside. That I can forgive and let it go as God did. I pray tonight to give me patience and to lighten my anger and frustration. To help me find forgiveness in my heart.

A Pumpkin Tradition

2008-10-27T19:54:00.001-07:00

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my son Dustin and his finance' Krystal. A few days ago Dustin asked me how I felt about carving pumpkins. He did it with some hesitation, knowing we had not carved pumpkins since Shane died. I said sure without hesitation. I guess I wanted to be involved in anything I can in Dustin and Krystals life, even if it is hard. When they showed up with the pumpkins, I entered the room to find Krysal with flowers. She said they are for you, we are going to make a pumpkin vase (centerpiece). I was so touched by that and was eager to see what we came up with as a centerpiece. As we carved pumpkins and a centerpiece, Shane never left my mind. As I dug into the slimy pumpkin, I could see Shane's face as he hated to stick his hand inside the pumpkin. I still found myself having a good time and we made a beautiful centerpiece.
Tonight I realized that Krystal will add a new part to our family and with that new experiences, new memories and new traditions. We will not forget Shane, but somehow it felt like we weren't carving pumpkins without him, but we were experiencing a new way of carving pumpkins with a new family member. I am so grateful that Dustin and Krystal included me today. I feel like I have jumped another hurtle. I look forward to the life I will share with Dustin and Krystal. I love them so very much.

Asking Why?

2008-10-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

When Shane died, I didn't work for a year. I thought, how could I ever go back to work in my beauty shop. Talking one on one with people was the last thing I wanted to do. Over the years, I believe going back into the beauty shop was what I was suppose to do. I encounter so many people who have touched my life and I hope I have impacted them too even if only in a little way. Today my client, who is truely a genuine spirit, who has been trying to have a baby. She has spent thousands of dollars leading to one dissapointment after another. She shared her months of frustration, dissapointment and her despirate desire to have a baby. She has sores all over her body, her stomach, she reluctantly showed me. Full of bruises where she has to inject herself daily. I have been the lucky one, to be pregnant without even trying, but only to have lost 14 years later. But her, wanting a baby so very badly, and not being able to concieve. It only leaves the lifelong question of why? Why do some people get blessed with a child, only to have to say goodbye to them a few years later. Why do some people want a baby so badly that is consumes them so deeply. I realized each pain in each life although different can cause great confusion. Asking why? Why do some love and loss and some just patiently await to love with all the hope in their heart? I believe this is the last attempt for my client to concieve, so tonight, I pray to you, god to give her what she longs for. To give her what she so desires. Please lord, give her this baby. I don't know of any woman who longs to be a mother more. Please bless her and never leave her during this time.

An Unknown Prayer

2008-10-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Staples, where my son Dustin works, I bought a few things and he helped me carry them to the car. On the back 2 windows of my van are decals in rememberance of Shane. As Dustin helped me load the van, I noticed a woman looking at me from her truck, but knew I didn't know her. As Dustin walked back towards Staples, she waved at me to come over, so I did. She said she had noticed the decals on my back windows and wanted to know if my son was the one in the accident on 47S. I told her he was. She proceeded to tell me that she lives on 47S and passes the intersection where I placed a cross and flowers in his memory. As she passes there every day she says a prayer for me and for our family. I almost went somewhere else today, but had a sudden change of heart. My course took me to a women, who has been praying for our family and with that I feel touched and was glad our paths crossed today.

A Shared Loss

2008-10-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today started with a new client. As with all new clients, there is always the talk of children. How many kids do you have. Seems to be the most common question. I then have to decide how to handle this question. Do I talk about it, or do I not. She wanted to know if I had kids in school. I proceeded to tell her, oh no my son is almost 24. Not meaning to leave Shane out, but not sure if I wanted to go there. As our conversation continued, I decided to tell her I had another son who had passed. Sometimes the response is an uncomfortable feeling, as if you almost wish you hadn't mentioned it. And other times they just continue to talk as if they didn't hear you at all and then you feel even worse. Today I shared my story with her as I held her precious 9 month old daughter in my arms. Her eyes immediately filled with tears. I felt so bad for telling her about losing Shane it was obvious it hit her in a different way than most. I said, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. As she stood there with tears filling her eyes, she shared the loss of her unborn baby just 18 months earlier. This complete stranger stands in front of me, but I felt closer than ever to her as we endured a very deep loss. I had my son 14 years, but she never got to know her sweet baby at all. It was a blessed moment between us as we shared our broken hearts.

A Prayer for You!

2008-10-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

Please pray for me:
Lord even though I face a busy day (or just have lived through one). Even though I find myself running from this to that, from here to there, I still want to crawl into the shelter of your arms. Even though my life moves in a blur, I want to still myself in your strength. I want to rest in your protection and tender care, even when I feel like I'm arm wrestling alligators, I take refuse in you Jesus. This day, and all days.

Emmaus Gathering 2007
As I still struggle with remembering god is there. Try to remember god is there to catch you when you fall. Try to lean on him during times of struggle. He has showed me he has my son, Shane.

I Reflect

2008-10-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today I reflect on the recent loss of my step nephew. Although I can say I knew him on a personal level his loss has touched a cord. Remembering that raw pain the first few weeks. As I spoke with his mother, my stepsister, over the phone she reminded me of the things that people say that hit you in a deep and saddened way. It remined me of a poem on the angelmoms.com sight and I thought it was worth repeating.

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken will heal, Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place, Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me, That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories, You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name, Because it is something I long to hear,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, your friendship will be my treasure

Thanks to Angel Moms.

Today is a challenge.

2008-09-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

As I approach today, my Shane, enters my mind as every day. My stepsister has losed her son and all of the emotions of his death keeps mine fresh in my mind. The question of hope no longer enters my mind as it once did. Now I learn to live with just the memory of him. Every little thing that reminds me of the life we once had. The small scent that flys across the room. A Beautiful Butterfly that huffers me. The feeling he is close only to look an he is not there. I know we who have lost a child has to grasp on to everything that reminds us of them.